Mother effin' Wisdom Teeth Extraction

On Thursday, I was a nervous wreck fearing the corporal punishment that the dentist was about to wage in my mouth. I know that many of you would have gladly lined up to extract my wisdom teeth (and the rest of my teeth) with rusty pliers, while others of you have mentioned that you would have taken great pleasure to numb my face up with your fists (thanks, that really calmed me). At the dentist's office, the oral surgeon had this unnervingly sinister smirk as he prepared his shiny, weapons of misery ready to make me sob like a baby.

Before he began, the dentist re-looked at my x-rays and said that I only needed to take out my upper wisdom teeth and not my bottoms. I felt pretty good about his assessment and was glad that he had my best interests in mind rather than his Porsche monthly payments. But then all those warm feelings changed when the surgeon set me down and unleashed this ridiculously huge horse needle to Novocaine my mouth and proceeded to prick me about eight times. The actual extractions only took ten minutes and I only felt a little pressure, snap, crackle and pop. Afterward, I was ready to be princess for the weekend and have Babyboo baby the hell out of me on hand and foot and even considered having her piggy back me home.

I drowned myself in a liquid diet that I thought would help me to lose weight, but I seemed to have overcompensated for the caloric deficit and increased in flesh on tubs of pudding, yogurt and ice cream per day. I had gory nightmares that first night that involved me eating a whole bag of sharp Doritos and a box of extra chewy Milk Duds (it was very bloody and graphic). I took the doctor's order of 'taking it easy' to another level and caught up on all the latest celebrity gossip to feel in tune with the world (Jon and Kate plus 8 WTF is going on?). Babyboo would leave me at times during the day but would find me in the same position on the couch hours later as I dug in deep and partook in marathon sessions of MTV's "Real World/Road Rule Challenge" and its new reality show called "Hot Chicks with D-bags".

Throughout, I did not feel any discomfort as I was loopy on painkillers so good that in my delirium, I asked Babyboo to blend me a Vicodin smoothie (I hope to peddle it on the streets for secondary income). I did have some complications with my gums though; I was given gauze to create a blood clot in the wound but it did not hold and I read that biting down on tea bags would release tannic acids that would help to stop the bleeding. We did not have the good old regular Lipton black tea, however, and Babyboo gave me some herbal, stimulant, laxative blend of tea called "Organic Smooth Move." It did the trick, on so many levels.

All in, the experience was not so bad and I did not writhe in fetal position all weekend weeping and wailing as I had expected...well at least not because of my teeth, it was just the usual weekend crying alone in the dark.