Self-Diagnosis: Pregnant with hemorrhoids

I became sick on Sunday night and it was yet another feverish night of arctic shivers and Sahara sweats yesterday. My body has leaky internal plumbing problems as well and if possible, I would like to be pant-less and just wear a garbage bag to make it easier for me. Yesterday, every part of my body hurt: even the bottoms of my feet and my eyes.

During these times, I crawl into fetal position and moan and groan like the ugly manchild that I am but no one cared or was home, so I knocked out on pure exhaustion and because I didn't want to hear myself anymore. (I get pretty pathetic and so annoying that I am ready to kick my own arse)

Some of my colleagues at work have diagnosed these recent illnesses as the sudden downturn in the marriage when one phases out of the honeymoon and into the cold realization of a ball and chain dynamic weighing me down. This all maybe true but then again, these are the clowns who had congratulated me when I first got engaged but have said things like: "Maybe marriage will be different for you." "I was once happy." "Maybe you should look into relationships with men."

All this being said, I am an all-star hypochondriac and won't rule out anything. If my initial intuitions are correct, based on my expert analysis on WebMd, I am currently pregnant with food poisoning and a little bout of hemorrhoids as well. This morning, I am feeling better because I am drugged up and eating saltines for nutrients (the only food I can keep down). Otherwise, I am as strong as an ox.